So on Wednesday it will be the third anniversary of the passing of my dear mother. She died on August 1, 2015 due to congestive heart failure. Not having ones mom around is an experience only certain people my age go through. The people I talk to around my age range 25-35 all have the emptiness that I have experienced the last 3 years. I can see it in their eyes. Older people who parents simply reached their full life’s potential have a similar emptiness in their eyes, but an additional sadness that older age brings when people around you perish into the next life. I understand that I am still here for some time if God’s willing, however I can’t help to feel a bit cheated or angry at times. Its not that I question the order of things, but then again I always question the order of things. My mom would tell you that I’ve always been sort of a rebel. I have a very strong opinion of myself and life, sometimes I can come off stubborn of dismissive to any form of criticism. Not to say I believe I am above it, but I am saying that I have always felt a strong inner influence of who I am.
The last 3 years have been the most difficult years I’ve ever experienced. From learning who I am, to growing professionally, relationship drama and all of the above. Being a mid-twenties black gay male is difficult. Adding the death of both parents (oh i forgot to mention my dad passed away 7 months later) I sunk into a dark place for a while. Crying out of the blue, nightmares and sad dreams, I have experienced it all. Loss is a powerful deterrent from every day joyous moments. I found myself this year waking up from this depressed state I’d been existing in. I was unemployed for 4 months and it hit me that I was drifting to my rock bottom. I had totally forsaken any form of relationship consistency. Friends, family and colleagues all agreed that I seemed disconnected, progressively more every year since my mom passed. I denied it or felt pity for myself, but never really understood. I was just doing the best I could for what I knew. My understanding of the metaphysical allowed me to drift in a state of numbness. After all, it was easier to be numb than to force my self to be happy, or to stop myself from being sad. 2 years of numbness is a long time. When 2018 settled in, I had a moment of awakening. Sitting on the beaches of Waikiki, Hawaii after a spat with my boyfriend, I saw what I had become.
Pitiful Patrice and Debbie Downer! All I ever spoke about is my obstacles and what I am TRYING to accomplish. Not realizing how far I’d come and how good I had it even during a time of difficulty. It was a painful moment, but it was a good pain to feel. From that day forward, I decided I’d take back my life. This year has been nothing but amazing growth. From a higher paying position, to business finally growing and flourishing again; I know I am finally on the right track back to the boss ass bitch I was always meant to be. My mom would be proud, I could feel her dissatisfaction with my grief. In fact, she would ask all of her children to let go of the anger and sadness. She is in a better place than we are, and she is watching over us always. So on Wednesday, August 1, 2018. I will celebrate her 3rd year of transition. I can’t promise that I will not cry, but I promise I will make my tears filled with joy.